Self-Love — Love Nothing More

Self-Love Isn’t A Destination

Just this evening, my friend Nicky called me out as someone who inspires her to love herself. Nicky is currently posting a series of photos and messages that underscore the beauty and importance of unabashed self-love. It’s beautiful and you should definitely follow along. The fact that she called me out as someone who she admires in this space is such an honor.

But it came through on a particular evening when I’m not feeling the best about myself. I’ve had a long-standing like-hate relationship with my body. I started dancing when I was three-years old and for a long time, I wanted nothing more than to be a professional dancer. I wanted a body like a ballerina so badly. Well, what was the only image of a ballerina we were exposed to in the 80s. To me, they looked so delicate and strong all at once. But I realized rather quickly that I would never look like a ballerina. I’ve always been shorter and thicker than those lithe bodies I so admired. When I was maybe eight or nine, I distinctly remember my brother saying something very brotherly and scathing about my disgusting legs when I was wearing leggings one day. My mom scolded him but he doubled down on his sentiment, essentially declaring it to be true. To be clear, this is not who my brother is in any way, shape or form. We were young and combative siblings and surly I did absolutely NOTHING to provoke him.

There are so many micro experiences that have congealed into this ball of self-doubt. Like a lump in my throat I just cannot seem to swallow away. Even when I was at my fittest, I didn’t see myself as I really was. I know this because I had a blog where I took my own photos every single day. Now I can see what other people saw. Back then, I only saw my flaws.

These last few years have been my best in terms of self-love. I have chosen to consume media that celebrates all bodies as beautiful. Thank goodness we live at a time when we can have such a choice. Exposing myself to all kinds of women who confidently show their bodies as strong, beautiful, sexy, soft, desirable and imperfectly perfect has helped me look at my own body in a healthier way.

But here’s the catch - it takes way more than a few diverse ad campaigns or social media posts to unwind all of that negative thinking. So if I can share any insights in this self-love arena it’s that self-love does not therefore mean you are free from self-loathing. It’s okay if we don’t feel supremely awesome about ourselves all of the time. As my very dear friend always tells me, start with the why. Why do you feel this way? And then work your way from there.