:Back to School:
Football Games, Fall Foliage and Mixed Feelings
For quite a long time, I had a great relationship with fall. It was my favorite season and, if not for my husband’s unyielding obsession with college football, we just might have gotten married in autumn. To be clear, I went to Penn State. I can attest to the awesomeness of The Blue Band thrumming in your chest and cheering from the student section in a stadium filled with nearly 107,000 of your comrades (for the day). Freshman year of college was when my real love affair for fall began. It was the birth of my independence, it was a new start, it was when nobody knew me. For the first time, I felt free.
Before that, fall meant the start of school. Let’s first establish that I love learning. Just last weekend, my mom joked to my family that I was always sitting at my desk doing my homework. It was so much fun solving problems and exploring ideas. School was awesome. But the social aspect of it all, especially as I entered junior high, soured me. A big turning point started in 6th grade when my then good friend told me I was her best friend. I couldn’t believe it. She was so cool and I was so dorky. I was pumped to have a best friend. For me, it was sort of like a marriage. I wouldn’t say those words if I didn’t really, really mean it. So we got to 7th grade and I was feeling pretty good because I knew, even though there would be a bunch of new kids I would need to figure out, at least I had a foundation - my best friend. But things got weird pretty quickly. We weren’t in the same classes. She was still so cool and I was still so dorky. And now there were a bunch of other super cool kids who were more like her and she became less and less like me. It felt like she kept me around until her birthday, which was Octoberish -
Side Bar: My dad and brother were/are wedding and events DJs. And if there were such a thing as Google Reviews back then, they would have had five stars. They were the best.
- I got the invite! Whew… the good news was we were still friends. She wanted my brother to DJ her birthday, which he did because she and I were friends. But at the party, I didn’t really talk to anyone (or was it that nobody really talked to me?) and I ended up dancing by myself and hanging out with my brother most of the night. She got my gift, she got the DJ. And after that, I can’t recall a time when we spoke again.
Junior high was when I learned what a social hierarchy was all about. And when you’re on the bottom, you get crushed. It sucked. Over time, I felt my love for going to school get chipped away, to the point where I just didn’t want to be there anymore. On any given day, I didn’t know if I would emerge unscathed or if I would be called a bitch because I was quiet around popular kids and dressed ever so slightly outside of what the other girls wore. (Umbro shirts any style = yes. Esprit shirts with large tomato graphics = bitch.) Things just circled the drain from there. I desperately wished my family would move to a new school district so I could start over. I could be the NEW GIRL. I could break out of the box I was shoved into. If I just had another chance, I knew I could do things differently.
Spoiler alert: We never moved. I had to grit my teeth and get through school. Which I did successfully enough, but I lost a lot of steam toward the end. Knowing what I do now, I was likely depressed and should have spoken to a therapist so that I could understand my feelings and address the root issues. But times were different. And my salvation was college. Turns out, I just needed to find my people. And I was able to do that easily when I went to Penn State. The lessons I learned there have helped me build rich and meaningful relationships that are beyond anything my pre-teen self could have conjured.
you may be asking, SO WHAT?
Two things have been tumbling around in my head, as my daughter enters her second year of middle school.
Everyone… and I mean everyone I have spoken to about middle school/junior high has said it was also a tough time for them. Please know, I’m not suggesting you can’t have some fun in middle school (I did) or even have a great experience. The lesson I learned is if you’re struggling, you’re definitely not alone, no matter how the people around you act.
I’m not sure if anyone has talked about how triggering it can be to have a child going through middle school if your experience was tough. I wish someone had warned me.
Looking back, I’m thankful I had parents who listened to me and strived to understand and support me. I’m thankful for the new friends I found. I’m thankful I had creative outlets that offered an escape. But most of all, I’m thankful middle school was short.
Sweater & Collar Anthropologie (old) | Silk pants Anine Bing (via eBay) | Bag Saint Laurent (purchased second hand) | Shoes Carlos Santana from 2007? | Sunglasses Quay
Photos by Stella
